Tuesday, December 20, 2005

To “O”


Today I saw a phone number on my cellular, I wasn't expecting that call or simply I was supposed to call her since a week, but I don’t know what delayed it, and i wanted to be the one who calls first!
She told me that she got her baby on 11th this month.
she is celebrating on Friday, and she is waiting me with her baby “S”.

Our last call was quite long time ago, we had this chitchat about the date expected to receive her babe, it was 14th, she told me it could probably be delayed, and we had fun that she has to get it exactly the same day of my Birthday!

I will be auntie auntie Tota now…

I recalled our first day in the faculty when we started to know each others. Since that day we didn’t apart, she is the dearest friend to me & although that, I’m not keeping in touch with her, most of times she is the one who calls & thank god she is not mad at me from doing this, she is just such a great friend & I do really miss her …

Friday, December 16, 2005

December’s Sorrows

Something is slipping inside me these days … a feeling of depression, fear or disappointment ... emptiness.

I don’t feel want to do anything. to write, read or even Study !
i cant share with others around me.

Time passes and yet I cant feel its value
Not coz I finally left my job since December 7th?
That what I already wanted to do from the beginning, not much of spare time, on contrarily I feel there is no enough time to do anything. Although I already do nothing... I wonder where all this time goes?
I know it when I slide into such mood, I don’t like to stick with it long
Sometimes I say to myself .. keep on filling those pages .. a New year is coming.

It seems for me as a life between two worlds hovering between both, on a deeper level; it consumes me up, sometimes I pretend to be happy, it works when u put urself in such mood & sooner it flips to the previous mood just in a glimpse of a second.
I’m trying to go through it not over it, but it doesn’t work with me!

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Signed for Dead

Did you watch that movie “Message in a Bottle”? I just like it, that kind of pure feelings from Kevin towards his dead wife, although it was ironic that he is saying it all after her death … she can’t listen, some people may say that dead people can watch & hear us … but do they have those same feelings we know in life, does it really mater then?
even if she was dead … even if he just remembered to apologize, to tell her how pretty & nice she was! .. he was very sensitive and honest in his feelings & words.
of course the original story written by:
Nicholas Sparks is much better than the movie; its script & specially the letters written by Kevin Costner was amazing which altered me to look for the novel but unfortunately I couldn’t find it, I only found two letters posted on the net .

Dear Catherine,
I'm sorry I haven't talked to you in so long. I feel I've been lost. No bearings, no compass. I kept crashing into things, a little crazy I guess. I've never been lost before. You were my true north. I could always steer for home when you were home. Forgive me for being so angry when you left. I still think some mistake's been made and I'm waiting for god to take it back.
But I'm doing better now. The work helps me. Most of all, you help me. You came into my dream last night with that smile of yours that always held me like a lover, rocked me like a child. All I remember from the dream is a feeling of peace. I woke up with that feeling and tried to keep it alive as along as I could.
I'm writing to tell you that I'm on a journey toward that peace. And to tell you I'm sorry about so many things.
I'm sorry I didn't take better care of you so that you never spent one minute being cold or scared or sick. I'm sorry I didn't try harder to find the words to tell you what I was feeling. I'm sorry I never fixed the screen door. I fixed it now. I'm sorry I ever fought with you. I'm sorry I didn't apologize more. I was too proud. I'm sorry I didn't bring you more compliments on everything you wore and every way you fixed your hair.
I'm sorry I didn't hold on to you with so much strength that even god
couldn't pull you away.

All my love,

My Dearest Catherine,
I miss you darling, as I always do, but today is especially hard because the ocean has been singing to me, and the song is that of our life together. I can almost feel you beside me as I write this letter, and I can smell the scent of wildflowers that always reminds me of you. But at this moment, these things give me no pleasure. Your visits have been coming less often, and I feel sometimes as if the greatest part of me is slipping away.
I am trying, though. At night when I am alone, I call for you, and whenever my ache seems to be the greatest, you still seem to find a way to return to me. Last night, in my dreams, I saw you on the pier near Wrightsville Beach. The wind was blowing through your hair, and your eyes held the fading sunlight. I am struck as I see you leaning against the rail. You are beautiful, I think as I see you, a vision that I can never find in anyone else. I slowly begin to walk towards you, and when you finally turn to me, I notice that others have been watching you as well. “Do you know her?” they ask me in jealous whispers, and as you smile at me, I simply answer with the truth, “Better than my own heart.”
I stop when I reach you and take you in my arms. I long for this moment more than any other. It is what I live for, and when you return my embrace, I give myself over to this moment, at peace once again.
I raise my hand and gently touch your cheek and you tilt your head and close your eyes. My hands are hard and your skin is soft, and I wonder for a moment if you’ll pull back, but of course you don’t. You never have, and it is at times like this that I know what my purpose is in life.
I am here to love you, to hold you in my arms, to protect you. I am here to learn from you and to receive your love in return. I am here because there is no other place to be.
But then, as always, the mist starts to form as we stand close to one another. It is a distant fog that rises from the horizon, and I find that I grow fearful as it approaches. It slowly creeps in, enveloping the world around us, fencing us in as if to prevent escape. Like a rolling cloud, it blankets everything, closing, until there is nothing left but the two of us.
I feel my throat begin to close and my eyes well up with tears because I know it is time for you to go. The look you give me at that moment haunts me. I feel your sadness and my own loneliness, and the ache in my heart that had been silent for only a short time grows stronger as you release me. And then you spread your arms and step back into the fog because it is your place and not mine. I long to go with you, but your only response is to shake your head because we both know that it is impossible.
And I watch with breaking heart as you slowly fade away. I find myself straining to remember everything about this moment, everything about you. But soon, always too soon, your image vanishes and the fog rolls back to its faraway place and I am alone on the pier and I do not care what others think as I bow my head and cry and cry and cry.


Thursday, December 01, 2005

And sometimes it Hurts!

Out of Blue

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
.. = Tom Stoppard = ..

Monday, November 28, 2005

Things to Come

When I went to bed last night, I had a piece of paper in my hand aiming to write some thoughts in my head, flashed, as only those unformed midnight thoughts.
It was all made up of unexpected burning words; don’t know why I thought about doing this? I don’t feel want to write, I used to type it on my PC, as if my pen has corroded.

I knew even in my half-sleep it was nonsense, meaningless, but that forcing and hammering would clear its shape.
But then when I started writing, not a word of it remains, not even a hint of its direction
Beginning to feel sleepier, I surrendered & turned off the lights, that was shortly after midnight.
I usually have dreamless sleep I wished if I would dream of anything that night.
just as soon as I closed my eyes; thoughts popped up in my head, I knew if I tried to catch them again it will be in vain.
And when I wake up in the morning I will forget all about it.
I usually have that easy sleep, but something was preventing me that day from sleep.
light was coming through my window; I left it half open to see the moon rays falling on the curtain, it made wonderful shapes with that pale grey & silver stripes.
It is very cold, the forlorn wind scarcely breathes, I loved to close my eyes a moment and think of the land outside. a long walk; short pier … the sound of ocean, the rain drops, smelling the night breath full with grass scent … how relaxing and quiet it was.
Now I’m not remembering anything about those thoughts, just great well to go on in such way till I sleep … I only felt the morning light scorching my face I woke up it was around 6 am, closed my window to sleep for another more 2 hours preparing to wake up to go for work.I couldn’t write anything of that which was in my head that night, but it was all fine with me, although I didn’t dream!

Monday, November 21, 2005

The hallucinatory frenzy of departure

Goodbye Cairo,
The word Goodbye kept resound in my ear, how heavy & touching it was.
being rendered more vulnerable by mortal voices bid, Departure beyond these borders .. Our hearts and souls are always the departing point for all thought, feeling and action.
reaching at the beginning, the embryo, a point that could be called a true present, the beginning of a storm, of a revolution, a point of origin that marks a new departure .... One changes his decor, not his existence

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Triforce the creeper!


Place: Home, My Mobile
Time: 4:30 PM
Number: Private Number
The voice: Common but couldn’t know it

Duration: 12 sec
Hello three times and some noise in the background, then hag up

Call2 "preceded with a long missed call"

Place: Home, My Mobile
Time: 8:46 PM
Number : Call “No Number”
The voice: I suspected someone

Duration: 37 sec
- Hello how are you doing?
Me - I’m fine, who is talking?
- Hesitant voice, I’m “A” … the same name of that one I suspected his voice
Me - “A” who?
- I’m “A” ? “confused”
Me - who?
- I used to call u from KSA ? conversation with my mind:“ I never had friends who call me from there ”
- aren’t you that girl living in P.S ? ? conversation with my mind: “I’m not living there, why he is hesitant to mention the name of the girl and gives strange symbols not going that direct, I feel something wrong!”
Me - Sorry you called a wrong number
End of the Call!!

Thursday, November 17, 2005


I Went to My Faculty ....
Passed by that place ....
I remembered ....
it’s all coming back to me now !

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

A Conversation With the manager

Once I was talking about my intention to quit my Job, and I was going to talk with my manager about it.
I was thinking in which way I could tell it to her, so I’m just leaving, no further reason!, we are having that kind of relation which i can call it intimate, and that was the hardest part about it, “I forgot to say that the Manager is having a share in that company around 0.25 % ”every time I was arranging to talk about it, a certain situation happens and I delay it for the next day
The last funny situation, while I was already going to tell her about that subject, her mobile range, then it was her husband.
During the conversation she told him yea I’m with her, then she told me that he is sending me his greeting, “ bysabba7 3laya ” then she asked me while he is with her on phone, T is asking how is your master, did you start your researches about the point? !!!
I smiled and told her, kinda.
anyway i said as long as I decided then I have to tell her so I told her that I’m afraid that maybe after a period of time I become fully occupied with my master, and in a certain way that it becomes an omission to my work and that is something I don’t like it to happen, beside I would like to give you the opportunity to have other varieties, to work instead of me as in a certain way I wont be dedicated to my work as before!
Then she replied
You mean you want to leave the work completely
I said
Yes, starting from the next month.
She told me
No, I cant accept that, u can find any other way than completely leaving your work, I cant dispense with you
I just kept silent!
Then she said how many days would you like to work, we usually work 6 days a week which is pretty much, only Friday as a day off!
Then she digressed would it be enough to work for 4 days only & take 2 days with Friday off!
Or you prefer to take 3 days??
I just couldn’t believe it, that situation??, what shall I say, no I still want to leave it?
I found it will be somehow fine to have 3 days off & four days work? Doesn’t it?
Yea a whole week off is something I was sure it will bother me later.
So I told her ok, fine with two days
She asked, when would you like to start, now if you like?
I told her let it be starting from December it will be fine!
And so it is?Just going to try it for one month? Who knows?!!

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

The Unlimited

Write anything about anything,
aimless words,
the biggest pointless post ever,
go on.
Try it, you may like it!
I just want to say I’m still alive, but a little distracted
disregarding the above point.

this doesn’t have to do with sadness or depression

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Raving ...

Thoughts have been changed, rules reflected, they are not the same anymore.
Struggling, fighting, a feeling of safety sometimes, a feeling of despair!!
But what I’m sure know, that I’m very tired
Trying to gather my limbs, hopefully I can return back as a human again.
Crushed & burned trying to figure the right way,
People may show me the way, but I have to walk it alone!
Is it the fear inside who is talking ??
Knock and enter … we have to talk,
I’m so tired, I need you to rest me
I can see your shadow
Is it true, or another deception of the eye?!
May I call you a negative shadow?,
you were there, seeing you in the dark, darker than the dark,
in the morning staring as silver then it’s your mirage

Come and talk with me!
You are hovering about me, scattering my thoughts … do you really exist?,
or misgivings have conquered me!.
If you are existing, I want to see you, touch you, to believe your existence
There you are, here now ? I can see you … can you see me?
And how to see me and you never knew about my existence ….
Then I’m here, breathing … breathing that air ….
Are you a human as we are? Breathing that same air, suffering pain … ?
If you were the illusion of my mind’s creation, then why are you here now?
Go … leave, for me you have never existed in that realm ..I won’t try to recall or think again, … who are you?!

Friday, November 04, 2005

Not Safe!

I don’t like politics or talking about political issues, but these days the most common story on the most of the websites and blogs is; that guy who blogs under a pseudonym or it’s his real name “Abdel Kareem”, he is a 21 year-old Egyptian student of law at the Azhar University, he has been arrested by the Egyptian State Security from his home on October 26, 2005, they say he probably was most detained for his thoughts that are mainly anti-Islam!!
I wont go in much details coz this is not the main point here, details are all over the web, but when I came across that news two questions came in my mind
1- why an Azhar student go to write in such a bad way against Islam?
2- it’s not safe to express your ideas even over web ?

I’m confused, I feel angry ‘cause his ideas distort and pervert the image of Islam, but even if we are against his thoughts, there are many who do the same over the net, are they all arrested by their countries ‘cause of their thoughts that they publish over the web!
Where is the freedom of speech and civil rights ?

They are asking to support him by putting the “Free Abdel Kareem” banner on your blogs and websites.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

The Seven

Tagged by “Nightlegend, Wonderer, Eve and Jane” for Seven this time, people who invent such games, hmmmmm … ok, I may call them creative, starting a nice chain.
Actually I enjoy going behind such chains, 7 leads you to 7 which leads to another 7 and so on

Which lead me to Eve :), for my surprise I found her tagging me, and I’m in her favorite list, I didn’t know that she comes by, I don’t know if I dropped by there before, I have a weak memory, well the best thing about my tagging is getting to know a new blogger in the sight, welcome Eve in here

But for the number seven, It means for me Mystery, a big exclamation mark.
it’s a part of me, part of this life, that universe. any great thing; u find it related with that number
Allah Who created the heavens and the earth in Six Days, and is moreover firmly established on the Throne (of Authority). In the seventh day!
seven skies, seven earths, seven hells, seven heavens, Tawaf (circumambulating) seven rounds around the Ka‘ba. Sa‘y (walking between Safa & Marwa eminences) Seven, we humans consist of seven layers as they say!
even books:
seven Keys to Charisma
change your life in seven days
the seven hats …. An so on
well …I think I will do the tag now!

seven things I plan to do
1- take Italian Courses
2- concentrate more in my MSc. , do brilliant searches to reach for the point of my thesis
3- call my friends, I rarely do!, plan to see “O”, “Y”, “M” & the three "Ps"
4-finish that book in my hand ““For Tibet, With Love” it has been a month and I still in the second chapter “lazy!”

5- learn 3Dmax
6- travel the world starting with Switzerland
7- Exchange my little Cuddled pampered babe PC by a laptop :( TRUE!

Seven Things I can’t do
1- stop dreaming
2- sleep for continuous 24 hrs
3- keep silent when it’s time to speak

4- be negative
5- dealing with two faces people
6- hate
7- write using my right hand, I’m left handed !

Seven things I say most often
1- yakhkhooo 3aleek
2- ya salam
3- shoot me
4- begad .. akeed bithazzar
5- Kollak zoo2
(Mocking )
6- 2slaan, 2sasan, min 2saso .... to7faa
7- ok, 2lly ba3do

Seven people I want to pass this tag to:
1- i
2- won’t
3- pass
4- this
5- again
6- to
7- anyone :)

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Eid Day


May this Eid tomorrow bring all the comforts and all the joy you ‘ve ever wished
Sweet smiles,
Fun-filed times,
Contagious laugher,
Loving wishes,
Happy friends,
Sweet dreams,
Beautiful memories and
Happiness always

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Absence, Missing .. Into This life .. a Grown Soul

I’ve been completely absent from the blogosphere for seven days, for a reason out of my hand, many changes happened .. I can’t describe how much I missed it in here, everything about here, that blue page, the news of all of you dropping by here… digits, words, thoughts, keys over my Keyboard, Screen, feelings, images, imagination, spirit, a whole life, an atmosphere of real intimacy!

We always lose things but the situation becomes harder when we lost it in spite of our will!
And that made me think …
It’s very hard to lose something you used for its existence in your life which became an important part of it, something you used to see everyday, when you first open your eyes in the morning!
Do we lose things intensely ‘cause we were compelled or coerced to lose it?, I mean; if we abandoned it upon a pre-decision we won’t miss it that bad, I reckon the answer would be yes!
In general the lose of precious and valuable things which has a real high meaning in our life, always ‘cause pains to us!
And the question is, what kind of humans you will be when you start to lose these essential meanings, symbols … signs gradually from your life!
It’s strange, as you stand on the top of an awfully high mountain and watching the whole world down turning to be emotionally powerless and vacant,
Nothing is having its true meaning anymore …. You cant touch these lands, and if you decided to fly to look for it again, gravity is no more existing to pull you down to your land!
And I lost a thing in that past days too!
My Little cuddled pampered babe PC was ill !! it had an attack in its heart “ the motherboard ” it wasn’t responding and couldn’t read its brain “ the Hard Disk ”
I’m very attached to my PC, there is a sort of relation connecting us.
I may seem to be mad ‘cause I say “ there is a sort of relation which connects me to that dump machine ” … but it’s true, and I couldn’t feel how much I’m a adoring it except when I lost it in that past days, as If I lost a very dear person to me!
I just bought it three months ago and since then I cant part with it
Now as it back to me I feel I’m alive again!, I think it’s completely fixed & healed the company has replaced the motherboard by other one a different brand too, I feel this one is much better!
The owner & Engineers whom working in that company are very courteous, I like dealing with them, they just called me back to check if I’m satisfied about it now or not, and they didnt accept me to pay an extra pound for them!.
If my bereavement to this PC was on account of going on a trip or an exceed of work pressure, maybe I wouldn’t feel that bad, this could be one of the reasons .. on addition ‘cause I bought it from my own personal account which made it more valuable for me loll !

But, maybe it’s better for me to lose my PC in that time, I have no control on my use for that PC, net surfing absorbs time, even if it was just for 2 hours per night :) so thinking about it as allah decreed, was making me feel ecstatic.
it pulled in the exact timing something I like, to drift me for something much important in that last 10 days of Ramadan and the night of decree.
Thank you allah … ‘cause you care about me that much

Saturday, October 22, 2005

The Blogger Inside me!

This is my Result .... Discover yours ....

Your Blogging Type is Artistic and Passionate
You see your blog as the ultimate personal expression - and work hard to make it great.
One moment you may be working on a new dramatic design for your blog...
And the next, you're passionately writing about your pet causes.
Your blog is very important - and you're careful about who you share it with.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Open doors & a Novella (part II)

Till then I didn’t know anything about that subject till just the last month he showed in the view again! When she started to tell me about her story I was very much affected of it that made me write some of my old posts pretending that I’m her!
Suddenly one day, She found him leaving her a msg on her MSN telling her how is she?, how is life with her?!! …. Everyday insisting that he wants to talk with her,
till she decided to reply him, but as a blane person with no feelings, she wont show him any feelings of hate or welcome just blane answers!

He told her “I’m shocked of your answers I wasn’t expecting you to do that”
( again that brilliant person put the wonders, I don’t have a word that can describe him,
he is back as if those five months that passed on her while she was in her pain didn’t exist!!)

he told her I’m a bird asking for his home I want to come at your door, meet your parents and propose, I’m giving you a time to think but on one condition if I’m still having that same value i had in your heart in the past at then I’m supposed to be back ..
But then he asked her “it’s very important to not tell your family now or give them any clue till I tell you that” coz I want to be ready when I know your decision to be ready for their meeting
( I feel bad feelings I’m not comfortable on my own he is back to play games again! )

Then some days later he asked her, what did she do, did she think about that little subject …
She was confused yet, and asked him a question which is going to be the root of everything to her!

She asked him “ I want you to convince me why I’m supposed to think about that subject as a whole again? What is that new that you can offer to me ? ”

Then he told her “ I think I’m not supposed to reply your question now? When I’m ready to give you the answer I ‘ll ! is that ok with you? ”
She didn’t answer & since then … a month passed, but he doesn’t give her the answer of her question, she told me she feels that she is bleeding of what he did, of his attitude, she cant get his second situation now? She doesn’t know how he thinks or why he did that to her?

I told her the best thing to do is to get him out of her life completely and never allow him to interrupt it again; such types of people can never build a stable life, even if he went through everything as it should to be done.

Are there people like that, leaving situations suspended that way so the other side gets hurt?
Why did he back as he is still doesn’t have an answer for her question? What was he expecting her to do again for him… he is such a selfish.
Will he stay silent that way, I don’t have a clue.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Open doors & a Novella (part I)

It’s a story of my friend, she is a dear friend to me, she used to tell me the most about her, I was her mirror, advice her & direct her, we didnt talk for a while, she was busy as i was too.
but now I dunno what to tell her, coz I don’t want to break her heart

It all began the last year, she doesn’t remember exactly when, but it’s sure in days like these. The late of November

She was surfing the net, adding her new friends whom she knew through her study in that educational center to her own MSN list, when she added that mail account by mistake
It was just a typo, but it changed many things later

First of all, she found a strange name in her list, telling her Hi .. how r u ?
she replied, and she noticed that she added that account by mistake so she apologized, she didn’t like to go on in that, because she doesn’t like such type of friendships over the net.
But she found him cute, told her it’s ok & if you don’t mind, may we talk?
So she agreed
Day after day they became addicted to talk everyday .. she is living in Egypt & he is working outside in Bahrain
later he told her he is going to move to KSA to work for other big firm
But in his way he will pass by Egypt,

some days later ….
He told her that he feels comfortable by talking with her, he likes her & want to see her, on advance so if they agreed they may engage & he gave her the time to think and promised her that whatever happened he will never hurt her!

She was confused, she was afraid … but then she accepted
She told her mum & she met him that day, it was in the valentine day…. Afterwards she felt he changed, she noticed that … then she found him telling her on a SMS “the most important thing is that u r fine regardless of any other thing and I want you to know that I really care about you whether we will go ahead or stop and I still don’t want to hurt you I’m still confused and still feel there is a big gab that prevent us to understand each others and it’s obvious that it will be hurting if we get more close then stopped I rather to stop it now that hurt you later, I wouldn’t do that if I don’t care! ”

She told me at that time she was shocked, nothing happened for that. where is his words. “I like me when I’m with you” … you r my angel and all that bla bla bla !!!

The night before that day she had a tension conversation with him, he told her I wanna talk with you in an important matter, then he called her & he was stressed & couldn’t talk, they hanged the phone & then … she was very depressed. Then she got that SMS with no excuse
She kept silent. She didn’t do any action towards that although that SMS made her feel worry, she is now afraid of him, that way in one word he can just stop everything … she said it all to her mum ,,, then the rest of her family knew it, her father & brother
So some days later she found him calling her, what is up with you? why you didn’t answer me? I’m killed of being worry about you “” what a psycho? “

She informed him that her family now knows about his subject, she felt that he didn’t like her to tell her family about their subject at the moment?
He told her, why you didn’t inform me before telling them?
She said I just did !!

Then called her later to ask her if he is welcomed to come for their home for a visit ??

She agreed and she was happy for that!She told me that he stayed for 5 hours and a half … what a long visit!

Then after that …. Just talks, MSN, phone … but nothing new !!

Two months later after his visit she became stressed,, what the hell he is doing?
why he talks to her?, what does he wants from her?, why he doesn’t take any steps?,,,, is he that negative personality or he is just afraid?,,, she told me that he told her in one of their conversations,,, “ I don’t want to risk it I want to be 100% sure of taking the step and you don’t help me you are not encouraging me!, i want you to pull me!! ”
she “ and how to help you ? ”
he “ I cant figure till now how my life would be with you later, you don’t show me anything!! ”

(What a brilliant man, is that his point of view of not hurting and selecting his words, what do you expect? To ask you to marry her or what?)

Then she was totally down confused & stressed and she didn’t accept it to her dignity, so she asked him politely in a small letter that “you could take your time to think about it and put your decision to not feel that you are risking any thing, I would do that too and think wisely, but till then we shouldn’t talk to not affect each others decisions!”

So later she found him sending her a letter telling her that he was wishing for a good end ,,, but it’s not applied now & thanks for everything!!

( so? This is the end of it, the end of that little dream that he made her to live in, where are the sweet words, is he such a normal person, just so coward to have a decision in his life & he is playing around and around!)
she was very embarrassed to tell her family how things were over with him!!
What is the reason?? The reason was that she asked him to think!

So she cleaned her list & he told her that he removed her too

That was ended on the first of may ….
To be cont.,

Friday, October 14, 2005

Serenity's Amenities ..


Acquainted with the Night .. Embraced by The Light
"who does not understand My silence will probably not understand My words "

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Klukked.. 5 random about me!

I have been tagged by Me, Loulou & Wonderer

1- I’m that type of ppl who find it a way difficult to describe themselves, maybe that’s the first random thing I can say about me, once I had that comment from some friends, Tota you are ambiguous & recondite we noticed we know u since couple of years yet we just know few details about you!, I’ve been surprised on return I didn’t mean to do that, but maybe it’s just me, my nature, I’m brief in everything even my talks!

2- I like perfumes that much, I buy lots of them my favorites are “Burberry, Gucci Rush, Pure Poison and Givenchy’s” , I enjoy surfing in that Site, it’s highly fragranced ;) I like movies like “Ice Age”, “Finding Nemo”, “The others”! .. I adore that cartoon character that they used to call it Pooh bear :)

3- I like reading but with certain manner and way to do those readings, just quiet mode an inaudible light music in the background and I go on reading .. once I was reading that book I don’t remember the title but I remember the Cd it was “Body and Soul relaxation” and I ended up to turn off lights even that clock on my wall I just felt its tick is so much noisy for that mode so I took off its butteries & the book … I forgot about it :)

4- I’m somehow stubborn and don’t like routine or repeated things, say it once and go for it … Monotonous stuff just kills me

One last thing to go …
5- I don’t like making Lists :)

I Tag .. Bluelue, Al sharief & Wonderer Too ;)

Now :) I would like to tag u all to tell me 5 impressions u have taken about me through reading that blog!, Difficult? ... let it be one impression!

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

A Turning Point … A decision of quitting

Today I started to think seriously about that issue, it was passing across my mind from time to time, but today I wanted to put it in points, and have a final decision about it.

Today I have settled my mind about the matter of quitting my work, I don’t have any other available opportunities for now, others say I have to be sure that I’m having other job in hand before quitting my current one, but I don’t see that this is a must.
The problem is that everything about my work is excellent, my managers, the atmosphere, the feeling that everyone around u loves you & values you that much
But I don’t like the nature of my work, I don’t like what I’m doing, I feel stressed sometimes, without having that much of work, just because that everything I’m supposed to do I don’t like doing it!. I’m not giving enough for my work in the way I want it to be.
No progressing, I feel I’m stepping back every time. I’ve many things in my mind but I can’t achieve anyone of them, I’m disturbed, Scattered!

I have to put my THINGS TO DO list before it’s too late, putting priorities for things I like & see it’s more suiting me.
I’m going to have a master, I need to certify in other fields, I need to have a scholarship abroad, I want to work for a big company …… ext
I cant do that while I’m wasting my time that way in such useless work.

I know it will be a shock if I asked to quit I know they will ask for reasons over & over & it wont be easy for me or them, specially my Lovely Manager; sure I will miss her that much, I don’t know how can I stay at home without work, it’s like air and water for me, but I knowbut I know if I didn’t make that difficult decision now, I will stay as I am: going nowhere & achieving none of my goals.

"So I have to start now... and I hope that I'm right!”

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Looking ahead

Cutie Innocent Look

"When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there"
Anonymous quotes

Friday, October 07, 2005

Beautiful Verses I Originally Stop By

That’s how I was thinking to make use of my blogging during Ramadan .. Discarding those last two posts, that they somehow diverted me outside that mood a little!
we always read Qur’an, pray, fast as well … but in Ramadan it has other taste … everything has a different taste, even your soul feels a mystic spirit …
the raise of prayer voice … waiting for sunset prayer “salat el ma3’rib”
the family gatherings.. we usually hardly gathered on the same meal coz every member in the family is having a different timing table.

That morning I was reading Qur’an and that verse just stopped me, all Qur’an is having beautiful verses, we read it all the time, but in a certain moment some verses affect us highly than usual, because of the moment we read that verse in, being synchronized with a certain event happened with you, then you feel that this verse is just having the solution, you came across it to find peace and tranquility.
مَثَلُ مَا يُنفِقُونَ فِي هِذِهِ الْحَيَاةِ الدُّنْيَا كَمَثَلِ رِيحٍ فِيهَا صِرٌّ أَصَابَتْ حَرْثَ قَوْمٍ ظَلَمُواْ أَنفُسَهُمْ فَأَهْلَكَتْهُ وَمَا ظَلَمَهُمُ اللّهُ وَلَكِنْ أَنفُسَهُمْ يَظْلِمُونَ “117”
يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُواْ لاَ تَتَّخِذُواْ بِطَانَةً مِّن دُونِكُمْ لاَ يَأْلُونَكُمْ خَبَالاً وَدُّواْ مَا عَنِتُّمْ قَدْ بَدَتِ الْبَغْضَاء مِنْ أَفْوَاهِهِمْ وَمَا تُخْفِي صُدُورُهُمْ أَكْبَرُ قَدْ بَيَّنَّا لَكُمُ الآيَاتِ إِن كُنتُمْ تَعْقِلُونَ “118”

The likeness of that which they spend in this life of the world is as the likeness of a biting, icy wind which smiteth the harvest of a people who have wronged themselves, and devastateth it. Allah wronged them not, but they do wrong themselves.
O ye who believe! Take not for intimates others than your own folk, who would spare no pains to ruin you; they love to hamper you. Hatred is revealed by (the utterance of) their mouths, but that which their breasts hide is greater. We have made plain for you the revelations if ye will understand.
Verse Translation are Extracted from: Site

What an attitude?

Yesterday I was surfing, visiting some of blogs that I enjoy reading them, I wasn’t in a good mode coz of that Call, then i remembered that blogger who mentioned something about moving, stop blogging and going to disappear.. I opened the blog to find a new post ... hmmm then that blogger decided to back, that’s really nice .. so I thought about just a little greeting .. “Welcome back and happy Ramadan J ” that’s enough for now .. then I just drifted away from that blog & then returned back to find that my comment is removed!!! That’s really strange. I saw it in there it was in there I already read it … it was really bad, I thought about sending another comment asking for the reason & I did ,,, then I thought it would be better via mail, so I removed my comment form that post but not completely so my name was still appearing in there, then I sent that mail, to return back to find that my comment is completely removed from that post again

How much it hurts really, even if that blogger is just a blogger but it really hurts ? is that such an accepted attitude, can we call it rudeness

I Even didn’t get a reply to my mail?? If I was wrong, but it all happened physically there??
So I decided that that blogger doesn’t even deserve me to leave my comments in that blog, so I removed all my comments from that blog
What do you think, who is wrong? I really can’t get it!

Thursday, October 06, 2005

The Call

Just sitting enjoying the feeling of doing nothing... Thinking about nothing, how nice to feel that you have nothing to be bothered to think about, all that you do is plan how to enjoy the most of your time .. Scheduling my day between reading... lying around ... maybe going out today with friends... beside I need to buy some stuff... hmmmmmmm what about tomorrow? ...........!!!
Then my phone ringed … oh nooooo!!
One phone call from work ruined my day … my vacation... Everything, really I’ve nothing to say!!

Monday, October 03, 2005



Happy Ramadan to all, it's tomorrow ISA
.. Different Mood different posts ..

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Pink Thoughts

I don’t know why I held my KB and started hitting the keys tending to post a new thing on my blog ….
I don’t have a certain thing in my head to talk about, maybe that inaudible slow latin music by “Jesse Cook” and that quiet mode around me & that light light then my random audio player played that song for "Celine Dione .. I Surrender” it just inspired me to start writing something... Anything, maybe it’s just a way to be able to catch my thoughts and get to know it …
Everything around me is just in contradict, a very happy events synchronized with a so much sad ones, I don’t know whether I’m so happy or I’m very much sad.
Old subject are popping on the surface all of the sudden and it took of my mind & effort to control it, and then all of the sudden disappeared as fast as it happened.

I’m confused, I don’t like me keep going in that bad mode, just leave it behind and go on.
I don’t like problems or complaining... in every one of us a certain amount of weakness, selfish and bad tempers … but I didn’t use it to last for long with me

I need a break, long one or short one ,, whatever time it will take, but I hope it will reflect a much better affect on me later on
Just give it a break ,,, relax ,, think about nothing for now & keep life going in its pink shape.
and no, i won't Surrender

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Letter I’ve written … Never meaning to send!

I’m not sure why I’m writing this to you now? I’m not in that perfect condition to talk about something or write something; yes I can’t get it out of my mind.

I won’t mention about my question to you, yet I want to, it was a way of venting out everything to back in track, I don’t know what I was expecting at that time, a quick confident answer? ,,, maybe a one word answer, just an answer to push me, to put that power inside me again. To erase any remained pain, and cure all wounds
it’s a soul to soul conversation or that what I was expecting at that time, a soul was asking for help & the other strong, affectionate, brave soul help and hold

I don’t know,
I keep saying it seems less important when its written down... It could take all that time for you to think, but it shakes many things I need to prove, it doesn’t need that you put things up to each other to come with the very perfect sentence to say, I say if we said what we feel at the moment we felt it, we may never be able to say it that pretty way again.

Things are struggling inside me, I want to ask, blame, wonder, but u frightened me again, of …. You.
I can’t go on in that letter I feel it’s such a difficult thing to me to do, but i just did!

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Life for rent

I haven't really ever found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologize that once again I'm not in love
But it's not as if I mind
that your heart ain't exactly breaking

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't lean to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

I've always thought
that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone
and live my life more simply
I have no idea what's happened to that dream
Cos there's really nothing left here to stop me

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try
Well how can I say I'm alive

If my life is for rent...

***** I think we do rent our life for people that they turn out to not deserve it, we have to strat buying before it's too late .... that what i think about everytime i hear that song, a real strong action to format my life & clean my list from those whom r taking much usless space and effort there *****

Monday, September 26, 2005

I'm gonna be Me, no Matter who i'm around

i’m depressed .. frustrated, my mode is just flip flopping along the week ,, no the month ,,, maybe along that last year Specially ,,, and the reason??
I think I know the reason behind all this. yet, still denying, still holding it in my hand and hurting myself over and over again, recalling …
So many things happened in that last year that made me so much hurt, but in the same time it changed many things inside me, concepts!!
Ppl are really strange .. nothing is perfect I know ,, but to meet many ppl of the same kind in just a very short time is something really bad.

I still cant find a cure for my condition, maybe it’s in my hand but I don’t know how to use it!

Many things I do hate about ppl ,,,, those whom just change their words ,, their situations & their principles for nothing
I feel how much those ppl are weak and don't deserve even the life they have ….

I do really hate those whom are having two faces, those whom like playing with words & never go straight forward,

Those whom cant take a positive action, living in negativity, how can someone just acts negative towards everything related to his life … it steams my anger when I just think about it.

Many things .. I’m just writing down everything that comes across my mind at that moment, way that could help me to discharge that sadness inside me ,,, screaming loudly asking this to stop … maybe dieing for a certain period ,, and getting back to life to find that everything around has changed, but I dunno at that moment which course I’ll take ??
Maybe I’ll choose to never back alive !

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Past Lives Offer a Glimpse into History

I’m not going to talk about a historical place or historical event
The idea just came into my mind while surfing the others blogs, and seeing their posts & its comments .
I said what if Internet & Blogging was in the Days of Om Kolthooom … Abd el wahhab ... Fareed ... 3abd el 7alem ?

How will they name their blogs & what will they say ?? will it be all about songs, poets & composers,, what if everything truly happened in their days was at that time recorded in their blogs were we going to consider it a real historical reference?

I Guess Om Kolthoom will call hers …
2a2ollak 2eeh ??

3bd el haleem
balaash 3itaab … bitlomony leeh ??

3abd el wahhab
2nsa el donia wi rayaa7 balak !!

what about politics ,,, Philosophy ….. Science …..
I think I’ll leave their expectations to my visitors

but I can say as far in politics …
Hitler ... Napoleon ... Ghandi ... Mao tse tung ... Margaret tatcher... Charles de gaule ... Che Guevara ... Fidel castro ... Stalline ... Lenine

Enjoy :)

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Where now, Where next?

How it coud be that you hate Something & you are soooo Much frustrated ... Annoyed and cant bear it, But in the Same time want it & like it ??

Monday, September 19, 2005

Is it Very Often To Find a Manager Like This? !!!

I Like her soo much My Manager ,,, she makes me feel that i'm with my mum not with my manager, of how much she cares about me & get worry on me ... we do sit long times chitchatting about everything not about work only, even about her personal life.
she is kinaa "Medala3any :)", many situations she has done that proved that this is her own nature she isnot doing that as making it up or so.
sometimes her much careness was embarrassing me too
one time i got late at work & she asked me did u eat ?? & the answer was no i didnt
she : go and eat
Me : not Now :) ,, then i found her saying tb sawany ray7a mishwar wi rag3aa ,,, at that time i felt how much i'm embarrassed when i found her getting me my ever two favourite ice cream flavor Vanilla & Caramel in a very big glass & telling me eat ,, u r getting tired lol
at that momnet i wishied if i told her yes i did eat or even i told her i 'll go to get anything to eat.

the point is with a woman like this, if i need to leave my work i will think twice ,, just to not lose her nice company one day ... it's soo difficult

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Where are my Photos Gone .. Anyone Can Help ?

Today i was just viewing my blog then suddenly i saw crosses on all pics i made refresh, reloded the URL again No way ,,, they were there all these Months while not blogging ,, now what happened? :(
they may back soon by them self :)
anyone can advice me of anything to do .. i host my pics on a site a friend told me about it
so if there is other better ways for hostting pics on any other place by any way for my blog ??

another probelm is happening to me these Days on My little cuddle babe PC ,, that any site i close it gives me the sending error msg ?? what shall i do coz it's soo much annoying
sometimes i close a site & consequently all opnened sites r closed too :(

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Getting that Point!

On the occasion of my getting back to blogging I removed some old posts, I found it silly, some of them I found that I wrote it in a period of my depression a bad depression actually I have lived in, and that Allah merci is to send you the unexpected persons in the suitable timing to help you without even knowing what was up with you
I was saying to myself “My Frustration if u didn’t Jump, I’ll Stand Up & throw U from My Little Window & Look up the Sky to watch The Moon & Stars

I’m not sure actually if it did jump or not, but at least I can say I’m much better now, than that time.

The interesting that I even didn’t tell my friends about my blog, so ppl could come by to read. I think what make it interesting ( I mean blogging ) is to find fans for your blog encouraging you to keep going, maybe coz the idea that I may reveal the person inside me on my blog, & I’m that kind of persons that like to live in a mystery so none touch or get near ?
I may rethink about that

The Self

If writing can service our dreams then it’s doing something beautiful
How do I know what I think until I see what I ‘ve said?
At first, you have to let the self through. The self begs to be let in and to be included. I want to rise up beyond myself, up to the place from which I can command this house of fiction, exert my mastery to put it in order set it all in motion. But the self, sensing that I am about to be both drawn on and shelved, immediately becomes demanding.

shelving the self - Sue Roe

Friday, September 16, 2005

Back to Blogging

i'm back.. started to get out of my shell again, i think i lost my source of inspiration in my way, but i decided to get back to writting, blogging and enjoying the reading too.
i descovered that it was inside, waiting me to get it out ..
althought i feel that i'm stammerring & falterring.. trying hard to gather my thoughts & get words into order, but that because of that pile of dust that i have to remove it before having a clear vision again

but anyway i'm glade that i'm back ..

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Dance Of The Clouds

Dancing cloud

The Clouds Should Dance , They Have To meet At Night, celebrate On The Stars Light & Moon rays … Dancing & Dancing … While I’m watching their Happiness… Pearls are out of my Eyes, Looking Very Far On That Space, Remembering And saying , is it Really True?!!, Life Is much Quiet NOW !!!

This Post has a complement, BUT it's cloaked .... only one person who Can read it !!

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Chased Dreams


Intruders come … Intruders go
Only few of them .. leave a deep effect on you
Some are good … the others are bad
I only want ,,, to remember the fact
I crossed that road … having hands tied behind my back
Looking for my dream
For the sky .. where I can fly
For the sea .. to dive .. to get the biggest pearl .. to wear
Stowing it in my hand … but it's gone like sand
For the rainbow …. To carve it color by color in my heart
Suddenly ……
I woke up from my dream ….
The sky … the sea … the rainbow …. Nothing is here
Looked around to see … ruin everywhere
All alone …. With my false dreams
None keeps promises … I was blind
Fact was here …. I couldn’t open my eyes …
To see …. To look …. To count
How much I won …. How much I lost
I have one fact …. Life will go on …
And Intruders will pass by .. from time to time
Sometimes I will sense them …. Other times I won’t .

Monday, May 23, 2005

The Conversation Club

If u asked me what rage your temper tota I’ll say hahaa nothing , well but it could be a person cant get what I’m saying ,, cant keep up with my conversation ,always want to make everyone mistaken and absolve his point of view with strange excuses , someone cant be persuaded of what I’m saying , depending that I’m the person who is to the right side & he is the one to the wrong .

But who decide what is right and what is wrong , Me or perhaps u ,, our traditions , rules , believes and society , can u say that this is the absolute right and this is the absolute wrong , can u give a 100% about your opinion and prove that it’s the absolute right ever ?!!
Imagine you are talking with that person who is agreeing with everything you say

You are so right ….
I agree with everything you say ….
Absolutely right …..

It’s nice as it may sound … but now what ? there isn’t much of discussion not much of a conversation and not much of an exchange of view !!

For the other extreme

Yes ,but …
I totally disagree ….
All what you said was completely wrong …..
You are wrong there ….

This person who makes a point of disagreeing with everything that is said . this highly argumentative person seeks to demonstrate superiority through disagreement !!.
What’s up ? a discussion should be a genuine attempt to explore a subject rather than a battle between competing egos .

I’ve red in a book the term “Logic bubble” and I liked it , I will explain it.
When someone does something you don’t like or with which you don’t agree , it’s easy to label that person as stupid , ignorant or malevolent .
BUT that person maybe acting ‘logically’ within his or her ‘logic bubble’ that bubble is made up of the perceptions , values , needs and experience of that person .
But didn’t you think before calling that person as stupid to make a real effort to see inside that bubble to see where that person is ‘coming from’ , you usually see the logic of that person’s position .
So I agree with the said : “ the more you know , the less you need”

A beautiful mind

Well : ) ….. i wanna talk about something beautiful in here ;)
Hahahaaaa , yeaa when it comes the word beautiful , the first scene comes across our mind , a beautiful sight , face , shape ,,,, most of us has this view about beauty we always look at the surface and never care about the essence ,, it’s always this case .
did u try instead of watching the nature , to hear it ?! as listening to the sunset . insane right , but I do .

ohhhhhh yea … I can see her , this beautiful woman at a cocktail party she has an elegant clothes and a shiny face .
surprisingly , she seems to be much on her own . people come to her and quickly drift away .
then I looked around and I found that short , balding and mousy man . he is surrounded by people in animated conversation with him

I asked myself , what is going on ? , don’t we all seek beauty ?!!
Actually in my opinion … it’s easy to get a physical beauty , make your body beautiful , like going to gym , make your face beautiful , even with plastic surgery .
BUT … what about your mind ? do you make any effort at all to have a beautiful mind ? everyday I & you wake up in the morning thinking what will we wear for today , is my face that pretty this morning , or it looks as If I need to sleep for the rest of the week ! , but we never wake up and think what will I do for my mind today ?!!
Great beauty with a boring mind is boring , you can get attention but you will never keep that attention .
I believe that we are all born with a certain shape of face and body .
There is only a certain amount we can do to make them more beautiful , but there is very much more that we can do to make our mind more beautiful .
As we get older ; physical beauty tends to fade , but beauty of mind is independent of age and can actually increase with wisdom and experience .
Just as people can look at your physical beauty they can listen to the beauty of your mind ….

That’s true , I remember that man in that TV show yesterday , when they were asking him about his bride in their wedding ceremony .
I realty appreciated what he said … it touched me , it made me see his bride very very beautiful although I wasn’t seeing her so , in the couple minutes before his said , with her long nose , small eyes and long face with tip chin .
He said a man could spend all his life looking for a woman like her , and it’s rarely to find and may not , but I was lucky to find her only after 30 years of my age … lucky me !
I’m sure at this moment he was describing her beautiful mind and Serenity's Amenities soul , he had a couple her beauty never fade with time , they will age with each others , and everyday they will look to see that they are more beautiful than yesterday !

Saturday, May 21, 2005

White Bird

White Bird

White bird .. in a golden cage .. on a winter’s day
In the rain .. white bird .. in a golden cage
All alone .. the leaves blow .. across a long black road ..
To its darkened sky .. in its rage .. but the white bird
Just sits in her cage .. all alone ..
White bird must fly .. or she will die .. white bird
Dreams of aspen trees .. with their dying leaves
Turning gold .. but the white bird .. just sits in her cage
Growing old .. white bird must fly .. or she will die
The sunset comes .. the sunset goes ..
The clouds roll by but the earth turns slow ..
And a young bird’s eyes do always glow ..
She must fly .. white bird .. dreams of aspen trees
With their dying leaves .. turning gold .. but the white bird ..
Just sits in her cage .. growing old .. white bird must fly
Or she will die … white bird must fly …

Friday, May 20, 2005

My Word

When you put your thoughts on paper, you allow others to know you and judge you - you reveal the inner person. You open your book for everyone to read and dive inside you, to know what kind of person you are .. your way of thinking .. feelings .. your beliefs and rules in this life.
You may, without noticing, reveal a point of weakness or a point of strength.
As you open the door & allow people to come in and watch your show, it’s your own decision to remove the shades & to be prepared to know others’ opinions.

So ….. you are no longer living your life in a bubble!

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Seeds Of Wisdom

Claim Victory

If you ever find yourself defending a position,
explaining why, or justifying anything, it means
you have been defeated. It means you have not
been able to accept the others point of view
, or the fact that you may be wrong.
Fear has conquered your mind and your heart.
Your defences are up and you are running scared
It's not that the other person has conquered you
,it's the self-created fear that is in
Until you can accept the other (you don't have
to agree) and you are not threatened by the other,
your victories will be delayed.
It's a funny old world when true winning is
Accepting not resisting, when victory is found
in the wisdom to stop fighting and to begin
Extracted From The Internet