Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Darting apostrophes

Darting apostrophes

Sometimes we try to stir up a feeling we wish we had, and at other times we try to block or waken a feeling we wish we did not have, psyche ourselves up, trick our mind into believing something that might not be true! Avoid staring hard enough so that we may not make out the words or the meanings. Hiding what we feel, faking what we don’t. Like believing in someone who turns out to be a liar, but we just refuse the idea that such a person is lying to us, or that someone has steered us wrong, we make up excuses & turn the meanings inside out; Instead of feeling we were the fools on the side.
Sometimes I believe that life follows our lead, it acts the way it's invited to act, like a child, and at other times I believe that we are only along for the ride, we think we are really having a full control over the events in our lives but we are actually not.
The only thing we have to do is connect to our truth, learn our lessons and apply them in our lives. We get to a stage that we may lull ourselves we have grown up enough, but what we turn out to be doing is that we only deal with losses that come from doing what we know to be right and not necessarily to be what we want.

Growth and death are facts in this life; as long as we are going to die, we have to grow in this life, not only a mental growth, but a growth on all the aspects of being, and as we grow, we have to move on, we can't grow and remain the way we are. We have to change.
we usually wait for drama to change our lives, to get our attentions, we don’t try to take the initiative. To take the first step before letting this drama taking control over what we do. leaving crisis & chaos behind.

What makes us who we are? is it our dreams, or the worst things that have happened to us; traumas and calamities ?, what forces us to change, or in other words, from where the majorities of the most powerful changes in our lives come, is it a result of the happiest things or the worst things have ever happened to us?

I don’t know why, but sometimes I find it very stressful going into such maze and I have to put a lot of mental energy into controlling the whole view, that would be OK if I didn’t also have to use mental energy on a million other things.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Peculiar air of defiance (the little creature started to talk)

Chase of life I'm back, cant say with the biggest details or the least of details, but I have to say more than Too much of events have happened lately; the latest of them is the robbery of our Villa in the north cost we discovered yesterday. I didn’t say all events were pleasant, 80 % are glum.
What just encouraged me to grab myself and start narrating about it, is the one week paid vacation I got from work, they are making a big make over to the place & during this I took a 7 days vacation. I have to say it's the very suitable timing to take this vacation, my manager told me no required work u have to perform, just take this as a rest, that's true I'm in a bad need to rest, many decisions I have to make & I need to order my thoughts to take the right route now. One of them is that I want to leave this job, yea I mentioned it to him, but he just asked me not to rush it. Actually I have been thinking about it long before, but then I just remembered, is it my timing every year to switch jobs?, this is the same exact timing I left my job last year I never regretted that decision at then (maybe cause I always throw past things behind my back and never think about them again or don’t give myself the chance to do). But this one is for totally different reasons.
Yesterday they called, telling me that they will raise my salary, give me exception to have flexible working hours, will take overtime on every hour I stay, the 1 hour will be 1.5, leave whenever I need & it's still up to me, I can try it for another week or month then decide.
Well, what a generous offer to me. But I'm still not satisfied; there is something else I lack, the spirit, the atmosphere, a soul matter in the first place to me, well am I stupid, to think this way? But I can't overlook it every time I come to say yes.
to feel rewarded & not consumed is really important, but I never make myself a salve to anything, even (specially) money, I'm a person who follows its spirit, whatever thing can raise it, is very much welcomed, any place or kind of routine that would put it down, give it many trials, change strategy, wait for a reflection, then if it failed; this routine should be avoided. One can't live miserable coz everyone around or the logic which is developed through others' experiences say so, is not it?
If someone is breathing, transmitting his/her very negative energy in the nearby place, sure later it will be contagion for the others, specially in small environments, I always avoid being stuck with negative attitudes, conversations, or reactions as much as I can, put distance and embark-on alternatives, and backup methods.
I feel I will not be able to function the way I used to before, beside how am I supposed to know that they will meet their promises, it happened many times that they violated it, for reasons beyond their ability but they couldn’t do it, I anticipate and have well understanding and comprehension to the conditions and that what they value for me.
The abode ( now they are changing it ) was not only gloomy but dreary, somber, very stagnant no signs of life, filthy in a way that would make me sick, that forlorn and overclouded place where I daily spent two-thirds of my life. It absorbs the vividness, it puts me in a woebegone & morose mood all day long, I used to refer to it as "The sepulchral tenebrousness of the catacombs". I felt that this atmosphere was very contagion that I now feel myself stagnant, boring to death. Even what I'm writing now ( I will not try to reread it to not cancel it ).

It's a growing company, with three owners too, I expect it to grow, their vision is unique. But I have that gut feeling that my time is up there, why? I just cant withstand any of the situations that used to get on my nerves, just get on my nerves, I absorb it and silence myself, coz I understand it's just a transitory thing & later all this will change.
Because it's still a growing company, our number didn’t exceed 9 members including the 3 owners & me, now they are going to hire another 10, I cant say how much chaos and problems there, and I seem to be their beloved listener, just it happens that anyone invade me to talk, say whatever he/she wants about anyone, i listen, but never comment. Filthy environment. Lies are the hallmark of the most of actions in there, why I remained? Because I expected all this to change, also that one of the owners is somehow a friend to me, before even starting to work in the place.
I dunno why everyone there was working on distorting this friend vision to me, what is their benefit from that? I can't get it. I never believe except in what I see.
My last conversation with him, he said if you remained on your decision to leave us, I would recommend you to work with "a well known company" he used to work in too, if u still didn’t look for another job, well does that seem nice to anyone of you?. My problem is that I'm patient & I value the circumstances. sometimes I feel I'm naive, if I were to talk from the beginning I think things won't be the way it's now. But now all my objections are taken & none says I'm wrong, they obey all what I say (when I mention their sins and policy). Is that because they are obliged to & they are having no other choices?
A 5 months' events I can't brief them in one post, I wish if I can write all about it. But I always forget the details.