When I went to bed last night, I had a piece of paper in my hand aiming to write some thoughts in my head, flashed, as only those unformed midnight thoughts.
It was all made up of unexpected burning words; don’t know why I thought about doing this? I don’t feel want to write, I used to type it on my PC, as if my pen has corroded.
I knew even in my half-sleep it was nonsense, meaningless, but that forcing and hammering would clear its shape.
But then when I started writing, not a word of it remains, not even a hint of its direction
Beginning to feel sleepier, I surrendered & turned off the lights, that was shortly after midnight.
I usually have dreamless sleep I wished if I would dream of anything that night.
just as soon as I closed my eyes; thoughts popped up in my head, I knew if I tried to catch them again it will be in vain.
And when I wake up in the morning I will forget all about it.
I usually have that easy sleep, but something was preventing me that day from sleep.
light was coming through my window; I left it half open to see the moon rays falling on the curtain, it made wonderful shapes with that pale grey & silver stripes.
It is very cold, the forlorn wind scarcely breathes, I loved to close my eyes a moment and think of the land outside. a long walk; short pier … the sound of ocean, the rain drops, smelling the night breath full with grass scent … how relaxing and quiet it was.
Now I’m not remembering anything about those thoughts, just great well to go on in such way till I sleep … I only felt the morning light scorching my face I woke up it was around 6 am, closed my window to sleep for another more 2 hours preparing to wake up to go for work.I couldn’t write anything of that which was in my head that night, but it was all fine with me, although I didn’t dream!
Monday, November 28, 2005
Monday, November 21, 2005
The hallucinatory frenzy of departure
Goodbye Cairo,
The word Goodbye kept resound in my ear, how heavy & touching it was.
being rendered more vulnerable by mortal voices bid, Departure beyond these borders .. Our hearts and souls are always the departing point for all thought, feeling and action.
reaching at the beginning, the embryo, a point that could be called a true present, the beginning of a storm, of a revolution, a point of origin that marks a new departure .... One changes his decor, not his existence
reaching at the beginning, the embryo, a point that could be called a true present, the beginning of a storm, of a revolution, a point of origin that marks a new departure .... One changes his decor, not his existence
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Triforce the creeper!
Call1
Place: Home, My Mobile
Time: 4:30 PM
Number: Private Number
The voice: Common but couldn’t know it
Duration: 12 sec
Conversation:
Hello three times and some noise in the background, then hag up
Call2 "preceded with a long missed call"
Place: Home, My Mobile
Time: 8:46 PM
Number : Call “No Number”
The voice: I suspected someone
Duration: 37 sec
Conversation:
- Hello how are you doing?
Me - I’m fine, who is talking?
- Hesitant voice, I’m “A” … the same name of that one I suspected his voice
Me - “A” who?
- I’m “A” ? “confused”
Me - who?
- I used to call u from KSA ? conversation with my mind:“ I never had friends who call me from there ”
- aren’t you that girl living in P.S ? ? conversation with my mind: “I’m not living there, why he is hesitant to mention the name of the girl and gives strange symbols not going that direct, I feel something wrong!”
Me - Sorry you called a wrong number
End of the Call!!
Place: Home, My Mobile
Time: 4:30 PM
Number: Private Number
The voice: Common but couldn’t know it
Duration: 12 sec
Conversation:
Hello three times and some noise in the background, then hag up
Call2 "preceded with a long missed call"
Place: Home, My Mobile
Time: 8:46 PM
Number : Call “No Number”
The voice: I suspected someone
Duration: 37 sec
Conversation:
- Hello how are you doing?
Me - I’m fine, who is talking?
- Hesitant voice, I’m “A” … the same name of that one I suspected his voice
Me - “A” who?
- I’m “A” ? “confused”
Me - who?
- I used to call u from KSA ? conversation with my mind:“ I never had friends who call me from there ”
- aren’t you that girl living in P.S ? ? conversation with my mind: “I’m not living there, why he is hesitant to mention the name of the girl and gives strange symbols not going that direct, I feel something wrong!”
Me - Sorry you called a wrong number
End of the Call!!
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Recalling!
I Went to My Faculty ....
Passed by that place ....
I remembered ....
it’s all coming back to me now !
Passed by that place ....
I remembered ....
it’s all coming back to me now !
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
A Conversation With the manager
Once I was talking about my intention to quit my Job, and I was going to talk with my manager about it.
I was thinking in which way I could tell it to her, so I’m just leaving, no further reason!, we are having that kind of relation which i can call it intimate, and that was the hardest part about it, “I forgot to say that the Manager is having a share in that company around 0.25 % ”every time I was arranging to talk about it, a certain situation happens and I delay it for the next day
The last funny situation, while I was already going to tell her about that subject, her mobile range, then it was her husband.
During the conversation she told him yea I’m with her, then she told me that he is sending me his greeting, “ bysabba7 3laya ” then she asked me while he is with her on phone, T is asking how is your master, did you start your researches about the point? !!!
I smiled and told her, kinda.
anyway i said as long as I decided then I have to tell her so I told her that I’m afraid that maybe after a period of time I become fully occupied with my master, and in a certain way that it becomes an omission to my work and that is something I don’t like it to happen, beside I would like to give you the opportunity to have other varieties, to work instead of me as in a certain way I wont be dedicated to my work as before!
Then she replied
You mean you want to leave the work completely
I said
Yes, starting from the next month.
She told me
No, I cant accept that, u can find any other way than completely leaving your work, I cant dispense with you
I just kept silent!
Then she said how many days would you like to work, we usually work 6 days a week which is pretty much, only Friday as a day off!
Then she digressed would it be enough to work for 4 days only & take 2 days with Friday off!
Or you prefer to take 3 days??
I just couldn’t believe it, that situation??, what shall I say, no I still want to leave it?
I found it will be somehow fine to have 3 days off & four days work? Doesn’t it?
Yea a whole week off is something I was sure it will bother me later.
So I told her ok, fine with two days
She asked, when would you like to start, now if you like?
I told her let it be starting from December it will be fine!
And so it is?Just going to try it for one month? Who knows?!!
I was thinking in which way I could tell it to her, so I’m just leaving, no further reason!, we are having that kind of relation which i can call it intimate, and that was the hardest part about it, “I forgot to say that the Manager is having a share in that company around 0.25 % ”every time I was arranging to talk about it, a certain situation happens and I delay it for the next day
The last funny situation, while I was already going to tell her about that subject, her mobile range, then it was her husband.
During the conversation she told him yea I’m with her, then she told me that he is sending me his greeting, “ bysabba7 3laya ” then she asked me while he is with her on phone, T is asking how is your master, did you start your researches about the point? !!!
I smiled and told her, kinda.
anyway i said as long as I decided then I have to tell her so I told her that I’m afraid that maybe after a period of time I become fully occupied with my master, and in a certain way that it becomes an omission to my work and that is something I don’t like it to happen, beside I would like to give you the opportunity to have other varieties, to work instead of me as in a certain way I wont be dedicated to my work as before!
Then she replied
You mean you want to leave the work completely
I said
Yes, starting from the next month.
She told me
No, I cant accept that, u can find any other way than completely leaving your work, I cant dispense with you
I just kept silent!
Then she said how many days would you like to work, we usually work 6 days a week which is pretty much, only Friday as a day off!
Then she digressed would it be enough to work for 4 days only & take 2 days with Friday off!
Or you prefer to take 3 days??
I just couldn’t believe it, that situation??, what shall I say, no I still want to leave it?
I found it will be somehow fine to have 3 days off & four days work? Doesn’t it?
Yea a whole week off is something I was sure it will bother me later.
So I told her ok, fine with two days
She asked, when would you like to start, now if you like?
I told her let it be starting from December it will be fine!
And so it is?Just going to try it for one month? Who knows?!!
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
The Unlimited
Write anything about anything,
aimless words,
the biggest pointless post ever,
go on.
Try it, you may like it!
I just want to say I’m still alive, but a little distracted
disregarding the above point.
P.S
this doesn’t have to do with sadness or depression
aimless words,
the biggest pointless post ever,
go on.
Try it, you may like it!
I just want to say I’m still alive, but a little distracted
disregarding the above point.
P.S
this doesn’t have to do with sadness or depression
Saturday, November 05, 2005
Raving ...
Thoughts have been changed, rules reflected, they are not the same anymore.
Struggling, fighting, a feeling of safety sometimes, a feeling of despair!!
But what I’m sure know, that I’m very tired
Trying to gather my limbs, hopefully I can return back as a human again.
Crushed & burned trying to figure the right way,
People may show me the way, but I have to walk it alone!
Is it the fear inside who is talking ??
Knock and enter … we have to talk,
I’m so tired, I need you to rest me
I can see your shadow
Is it true, or another deception of the eye?!
May I call you a negative shadow?,
you were there, seeing you in the dark, darker than the dark,
in the morning staring as silver then it’s your mirage
Come and talk with me!
You are hovering about me, scattering my thoughts … do you really exist?,
or misgivings have conquered me!.
If you are existing, I want to see you, touch you, to believe your existence
There you are, here now ? I can see you … can you see me?
And how to see me and you never knew about my existence ….
Then I’m here, breathing … breathing that air ….
Are you a human as we are? Breathing that same air, suffering pain … ?
If you were the illusion of my mind’s creation, then why are you here now?
Go … leave, for me you have never existed in that realm ..I won’t try to recall or think again, … who are you?!
Struggling, fighting, a feeling of safety sometimes, a feeling of despair!!
But what I’m sure know, that I’m very tired
Trying to gather my limbs, hopefully I can return back as a human again.
Crushed & burned trying to figure the right way,
People may show me the way, but I have to walk it alone!
Is it the fear inside who is talking ??
Knock and enter … we have to talk,
I’m so tired, I need you to rest me
I can see your shadow
Is it true, or another deception of the eye?!
May I call you a negative shadow?,
you were there, seeing you in the dark, darker than the dark,
in the morning staring as silver then it’s your mirage
Come and talk with me!
You are hovering about me, scattering my thoughts … do you really exist?,
or misgivings have conquered me!.
If you are existing, I want to see you, touch you, to believe your existence
There you are, here now ? I can see you … can you see me?
And how to see me and you never knew about my existence ….
Then I’m here, breathing … breathing that air ….
Are you a human as we are? Breathing that same air, suffering pain … ?
If you were the illusion of my mind’s creation, then why are you here now?
Go … leave, for me you have never existed in that realm ..I won’t try to recall or think again, … who are you?!
Friday, November 04, 2005
Not Safe!
I don’t like politics or talking about political issues, but these days the most common story on the most of the websites and blogs is; that guy who blogs under a pseudonym or it’s his real name “Abdel Kareem”, he is a 21 year-old Egyptian student of law at the Azhar University, he has been arrested by the Egyptian State Security from his home on October 26, 2005, they say he probably was most detained for his thoughts that are mainly anti-Islam!!
I wont go in much details coz this is not the main point here, details are all over the web, but when I came across that news two questions came in my mind
1- why an Azhar student go to write in such a bad way against Islam?
2- it’s not safe to express your ideas even over web ?
I’m confused, I feel angry ‘cause his ideas distort and pervert the image of Islam, but even if we are against his thoughts, there are many who do the same over the net, are they all arrested by their countries ‘cause of their thoughts that they publish over the web!
Where is the freedom of speech and civil rights ?
They are asking to support him by putting the “Free Abdel Kareem” banner on your blogs and websites.
I wont go in much details coz this is not the main point here, details are all over the web, but when I came across that news two questions came in my mind
1- why an Azhar student go to write in such a bad way against Islam?
2- it’s not safe to express your ideas even over web ?
I’m confused, I feel angry ‘cause his ideas distort and pervert the image of Islam, but even if we are against his thoughts, there are many who do the same over the net, are they all arrested by their countries ‘cause of their thoughts that they publish over the web!
Where is the freedom of speech and civil rights ?
They are asking to support him by putting the “Free Abdel Kareem” banner on your blogs and websites.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
The Seven
Tagged by “Nightlegend, Wonderer, Eve and Jane” for Seven this time, people who invent such games, hmmmmm … ok, I may call them creative, starting a nice chain.
Actually I enjoy going behind such chains, 7 leads you to 7 which leads to another 7 and so on
Which lead me to Eve :), for my surprise I found her tagging me, and I’m in her favorite list, I didn’t know that she comes by, I don’t know if I dropped by there before, I have a weak memory, well the best thing about my tagging is getting to know a new blogger in the sight, welcome Eve in here
But for the number seven, It means for me Mystery, a big exclamation mark.
it’s a part of me, part of this life, that universe. any great thing; u find it related with that number
Allah Who created the heavens and the earth in Six Days, and is moreover firmly established on the Throne (of Authority). In the seventh day!
seven skies, seven earths, seven hells, seven heavens, Tawaf (circumambulating) seven rounds around the Ka‘ba. Sa‘y (walking between Safa & Marwa eminences) Seven, we humans consist of seven layers as they say!
even books:
seven Keys to Charisma
change your life in seven days
the seven hats …. An so on
well …I think I will do the tag now!
seven things I plan to do
1- take Italian Courses
2- concentrate more in my MSc. , do brilliant searches to reach for the point of my thesis
3- call my friends, I rarely do!, plan to see “O”, “Y”, “M” & the three "Ps"
4-finish that book in my hand ““For Tibet, With Love” it has been a month and I still in the second chapter “lazy!”
5- learn 3Dmax
6- travel the world starting with Switzerland
7- Exchange my little Cuddled pampered babe PC by a laptop :( TRUE!
Seven Things I can’t do
1- stop dreaming
2- sleep for continuous 24 hrs
3- keep silent when it’s time to speak
4- be negative
5- dealing with two faces people
6- hate
7- write using my right hand, I’m left handed !
Seven things I say most often
1- yakhkhooo 3aleek
2- ya salam
3- shoot me
4- begad .. akeed bithazzar
5- Kollak zoo2 (Mocking )
6- 2slaan, 2sasan, min 2saso .... to7faa
7- ok, 2lly ba3do
Seven people I want to pass this tag to:
1- i
2- won’t
3- pass
4- this
5- again
6- to
7- anyone :)
Actually I enjoy going behind such chains, 7 leads you to 7 which leads to another 7 and so on
Which lead me to Eve :), for my surprise I found her tagging me, and I’m in her favorite list, I didn’t know that she comes by, I don’t know if I dropped by there before, I have a weak memory, well the best thing about my tagging is getting to know a new blogger in the sight, welcome Eve in here
But for the number seven, It means for me Mystery, a big exclamation mark.
it’s a part of me, part of this life, that universe. any great thing; u find it related with that number
Allah Who created the heavens and the earth in Six Days, and is moreover firmly established on the Throne (of Authority). In the seventh day!
seven skies, seven earths, seven hells, seven heavens, Tawaf (circumambulating) seven rounds around the Ka‘ba. Sa‘y (walking between Safa & Marwa eminences) Seven, we humans consist of seven layers as they say!
even books:
seven Keys to Charisma
change your life in seven days
the seven hats …. An so on
well …I think I will do the tag now!
seven things I plan to do
1- take Italian Courses
2- concentrate more in my MSc. , do brilliant searches to reach for the point of my thesis
3- call my friends, I rarely do!, plan to see “O”, “Y”, “M” & the three "Ps"
4-finish that book in my hand ““For Tibet, With Love” it has been a month and I still in the second chapter “lazy!”
5- learn 3Dmax
6- travel the world starting with Switzerland
7- Exchange my little Cuddled pampered babe PC by a laptop :( TRUE!
Seven Things I can’t do
1- stop dreaming
2- sleep for continuous 24 hrs
3- keep silent when it’s time to speak
4- be negative
5- dealing with two faces people
6- hate
7- write using my right hand, I’m left handed !
Seven things I say most often
1- yakhkhooo 3aleek
2- ya salam
3- shoot me
4- begad .. akeed bithazzar
5- Kollak zoo2 (Mocking )
6- 2slaan, 2sasan, min 2saso .... to7faa
7- ok, 2lly ba3do
Seven people I want to pass this tag to:
1- i
2- won’t
3- pass
4- this
5- again
6- to
7- anyone :)
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Eid Day
May this Eid tomorrow bring all the comforts and all the joy you ‘ve ever wished
Sweet smiles,
Fun-filed times,
Contagious laugher,
Loving wishes,
Happy friends,
Sweet dreams,
Beautiful memories and
Happiness always
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Absence, Missing .. Into This life .. a Grown Soul
I’ve been completely absent from the blogosphere for seven days, for a reason out of my hand, many changes happened .. I can’t describe how much I missed it in here, everything about here, that blue page, the news of all of you dropping by here… digits, words, thoughts, keys over my Keyboard, Screen, feelings, images, imagination, spirit, a whole life, an atmosphere of real intimacy!
We always lose things but the situation becomes harder when we lost it in spite of our will!
And that made me think …
It’s very hard to lose something you used for its existence in your life which became an important part of it, something you used to see everyday, when you first open your eyes in the morning!
Do we lose things intensely ‘cause we were compelled or coerced to lose it?, I mean; if we abandoned it upon a pre-decision we won’t miss it that bad, I reckon the answer would be yes!
In general the lose of precious and valuable things which has a real high meaning in our life, always ‘cause pains to us!
And the question is, what kind of humans you will be when you start to lose these essential meanings, symbols … signs gradually from your life!
It’s strange, as you stand on the top of an awfully high mountain and watching the whole world down turning to be emotionally powerless and vacant,
Nothing is having its true meaning anymore …. You cant touch these lands, and if you decided to fly to look for it again, gravity is no more existing to pull you down to your land!
And I lost a thing in that past days too!
My Little cuddled pampered babe PC was ill !! it had an attack in its heart “ the motherboard ” it wasn’t responding and couldn’t read its brain “ the Hard Disk ”
I’m very attached to my PC, there is a sort of relation connecting us.
I may seem to be mad ‘cause I say “ there is a sort of relation which connects me to that dump machine ” … but it’s true, and I couldn’t feel how much I’m a adoring it except when I lost it in that past days, as If I lost a very dear person to me!
I just bought it three months ago and since then I cant part with it
Now as it back to me I feel I’m alive again!, I think it’s completely fixed & healed the company has replaced the motherboard by other one a different brand too, I feel this one is much better!
The owner & Engineers whom working in that company are very courteous, I like dealing with them, they just called me back to check if I’m satisfied about it now or not, and they didnt accept me to pay an extra pound for them!.
If my bereavement to this PC was on account of going on a trip or an exceed of work pressure, maybe I wouldn’t feel that bad, this could be one of the reasons .. on addition ‘cause I bought it from my own personal account which made it more valuable for me loll !
But, maybe it’s better for me to lose my PC in that time, I have no control on my use for that PC, net surfing absorbs time, even if it was just for 2 hours per night :) so thinking about it as allah decreed, was making me feel ecstatic.
it pulled in the exact timing something I like, to drift me for something much important in that last 10 days of Ramadan and the night of decree.
Thank you allah … ‘cause you care about me that much
alhamdlellah
We always lose things but the situation becomes harder when we lost it in spite of our will!
And that made me think …
It’s very hard to lose something you used for its existence in your life which became an important part of it, something you used to see everyday, when you first open your eyes in the morning!
Do we lose things intensely ‘cause we were compelled or coerced to lose it?, I mean; if we abandoned it upon a pre-decision we won’t miss it that bad, I reckon the answer would be yes!
In general the lose of precious and valuable things which has a real high meaning in our life, always ‘cause pains to us!
And the question is, what kind of humans you will be when you start to lose these essential meanings, symbols … signs gradually from your life!
It’s strange, as you stand on the top of an awfully high mountain and watching the whole world down turning to be emotionally powerless and vacant,
Nothing is having its true meaning anymore …. You cant touch these lands, and if you decided to fly to look for it again, gravity is no more existing to pull you down to your land!
And I lost a thing in that past days too!
My Little cuddled pampered babe PC was ill !! it had an attack in its heart “ the motherboard ” it wasn’t responding and couldn’t read its brain “ the Hard Disk ”
I’m very attached to my PC, there is a sort of relation connecting us.
I may seem to be mad ‘cause I say “ there is a sort of relation which connects me to that dump machine ” … but it’s true, and I couldn’t feel how much I’m a adoring it except when I lost it in that past days, as If I lost a very dear person to me!
I just bought it three months ago and since then I cant part with it
Now as it back to me I feel I’m alive again!, I think it’s completely fixed & healed the company has replaced the motherboard by other one a different brand too, I feel this one is much better!
The owner & Engineers whom working in that company are very courteous, I like dealing with them, they just called me back to check if I’m satisfied about it now or not, and they didnt accept me to pay an extra pound for them!.
If my bereavement to this PC was on account of going on a trip or an exceed of work pressure, maybe I wouldn’t feel that bad, this could be one of the reasons .. on addition ‘cause I bought it from my own personal account which made it more valuable for me loll !
But, maybe it’s better for me to lose my PC in that time, I have no control on my use for that PC, net surfing absorbs time, even if it was just for 2 hours per night :) so thinking about it as allah decreed, was making me feel ecstatic.
it pulled in the exact timing something I like, to drift me for something much important in that last 10 days of Ramadan and the night of decree.
Thank you allah … ‘cause you care about me that much
alhamdlellah
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