Thursday, November 01, 2007


What I wish for is a safe life! That simple …

My feelings can run away with me, and at times even run my life. Sometimes it can be so close to the surface that my rational mind doesn’t stand a chance … then … I become my emotions and feel out of control. Sorrow or pain that turned to anger … someone told me you will feel sad then your feelings will turn to anger, at then I said anger of what? There is no point in that; gradually I realized that it's true!

Troubles, problems, obstacles explode like a volcano; and your feelings are always your own, none will ever feel it or know it the way you do, no matter how close that person is to you, It's your own chemistry and rules that act as a catalysis for the unique chemical reactions inside you. They are Unique in a way that your sorrow is never like anyone else's sorrow, and your anger is not similar to others anger, like the fingerprint. I'm tired of hearing these words over and over again "I understand how you feel", "I know how it looks like".. I know, I feel, but when you dig deeper, u find out that they r on the other side of the river bank, that you will never meet them. And you will get yourself into more trouble trying to explain your point of view and your feelings to them. So you will keep silent. How helpful!.

Does it really matter that others know, and why?

Why do we always try to desperately let others know how we feel, to keep explaining & explaining our own feelings for the reset of our lives? Does it make any difference; to hear some calming words, or see some brave reactions … but that wont change the fact that you are feeling the way you feel … deep inside you know they are only calming words, or the call of duty that forces them to act the way they did. Duty of love, care, fear … whatever shape of duty, something forces them to do what they do. It doesn’t matter.

- I'm not sure is it a new phase of anti-socialism; I'm tired of talking, hanging around, I'm tired of every kind of the social life, I stopped returning back the others calls, or even calling anyone even my intimate friends, family I just feel it 's a burden, I stopped going out. I have no desire in any of these stuffs, and I'm glade of that, regardless of the fact that this lifestyle wills lead me to a mild depression after a while.

- It could be a desperate attempt to find a point at the start line… to start or to finish an undesired page or a desired one … all sides and faces are similar.

- Someone passes away and a new born is carrying his same name, in commemoration of the dead, but I know that this new soul will never be a replica of the past one.

we are pathetic because we are always on the run of our end ... while it's the only affirmative truth we have!


Alina said...

Hi Tota, so glad to see you back! And thank you so much for taking the time to comment.

I could say I know how you must feel, as my step dad dies a few years ago. Still, you are right, I felt it differently, I was angry at a lot of people and they actually deserved it. So it's a quite different experience.

Still, we need the sharing, as people don't need to understand everything, they just need to grasp enough of how we feel to form an impression and understand that we are going through something difficult. And just support us, no other explanations needed.

Being a bit antisocial is just another phase some of us go through :)

I am here, whatever you need!

tota said...

Thanx Alina, it is really good to be back, I was missing it…

" they just need to grasp enough of how we feel to form an impression and understand that we are going through something difficult "
Yes, but they often grasp it their own way, and refuse yours, supporting the theory of "they always know it better!"

Alina said...

Yes, I know, that sometimes happens. But we're human and we sometime need to judge things by our own frames :) I think you should keep in mind why they do it, and that is because they care. Or at least this is how I like to picture it :)

tota said...

Yes, sometimes thinking can change our emotions, from time to time it's useful to imagine different emotional background to our feelings and see how things would be different. Just for the sake of our satisfaction!

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