Predominantly … Exclusively!

No; as I thought that I will start to relax, I asked myself is this the suitable time to have a break and relax, maybe I just need to deal constructively with the disorder that surrounds me, an insightful approach in to the way i might want to live my life.

I still have a list to do yet:
- 3 books I’m dying to read, I was reading some pages during my examination period (this is already one of my tools for relaxation but sometimes it seems as a duty specially that two of them are not hard copy, they are e-books)
- preparing for some courses
- 8 reports to be delivered by 1st of February
- others to read & prepare for my supervisor …
these things no matter how much I feel they are trivia specially the reports section but they r having a higher priority now.
Organizing all this in my head, this may keep me busy till the middle of the next month where I will start my second semester, that’s good, coz I’m that type of persons who cant stay in this life this way & do nothing.
Then I received a phone call from a company asking me to come for a job interview today, I remember that company, I already made an interview with them the last year exactly Nov. 2004, and they had sent me an e-mail asking me to work for them per task, and in case I’ve agreed I have to contact them, at that time I just ignored the mail, I didn’t feel that I do like the company!!!
So, nothing has changed except that I feel I’m now less qualified for this position than when I was last year, the interview was at 12 pm I asked her to postpone it to the following day but she said that this is impossible, it could be any time late but not the following day, ok so I made it at 1:30 pm.

Maybe this is a good chance for me I didn’t expect it and it came in the very exact suitable timing, but I still have that feeling of not being that much happy with it, Do we accept things because at that time we don’t have any other choices? I only have this choice and I have to fight to get it no matter how much I hate it. Two days ago I was thinking about that same subject: what if every time I have no other choice, and it’s always only that one single choice to take it or end up a loser, when is it the time for us to make our own choices by ourselves, and when should we let life lead our way & choose the path for us?
I admit too that life choices have always been the best choices for me

I have to review some things at least to find something to say in that interview and read my CV again, but I don’t feel I want to do it, what am I going to do in this interview then?, I cant figure this out!!

Exam Preview

I’ve finished my exams, although some things didn’t go the same way I wanted it to be.
Two things I have to remember:

1- T.P.O >>

I think I was asleep when I didn’t notice it except on the last 15 mins, not only me; most of my colleagues didn’t notice it fast so it was something common weird, but don’t worry wasn’t too much of questions it was a complement of the last question which I made up to 98% of it!!.

2- Never trust what your doctor says, maybe he is suffering from some kind of AMNESIA!!!!

it happened to call one of my doctors who teaches me a subject this semester to ask him about some points in this subject and it was upon his request to call him at home since his busy schedule doesn’t allow for me to ask him at his office and some of my Questions had this answer!
“ don’t give this point that much of importance I didn’t involve it in the exam as I didn’t give u a hint about it ”
guess what?!!, it was all in the exam, which I shall call it a nightmare, very long, not a straightforward, and included a lot of things he didn’t say a word about it!.
well this is something we used for it in our exams.
And the conclusion, I’m glad!

Hibernate

A strange spirit is revolving the Blogosphere these days, there is something different about it, it’s sleepy, stagnant, I cant find that vitality or heat anymore, not as I used for it before. suddenly most of my next door bloggers stopped blogging for a certain reason, that same scenario people get busy with their own life … no time to visit, call or share … and now it's happening electronically!!
others r suffering that feeling of not willing to write, and the coincidence it all occurred simultaneously!
is it a season related ... thoughts scatters before they reach to us?! we ran out of topics, nothing to discharge in here anymore ... for me i feel at this moment that i'm in a struggle to concentrate and i'm still going with this post

Checking my List
Loulou: Celebrated her wedding on the New year Eve, I hope she is enjoying her new life now
Wonderer: now in Egypt posted once or twice, but no news about her now
Kayla: spent the New year in Istanbul, stopped during this period and even after her back, work & study … got stuck in this, but she is returning back now!
Charismatic: she is probably busy with the arrangements to her Engagement
Nightlegend: and with the full time job a 12 hr per day, that now I think he barely can find a time for a new post.
Al-Sharief: he appears to disappear again!

I’m busy with my exams!
who else?

Coffee at 3 am !

Well, it’s 5 am and I cant go to my bed to rest a little and have some sleep, actually my sleep’s pattern in a mess, I stay up till dawn & sleep till a late hour in the morning, but this cant work for now as my exams next week will be at an early hour!
But no way to go for bed even after an extra 4-5 hours; I made a Cup of Black coffee at 3 am and drank it all!
I’m not a coffee addicted or even used to drink it very often, I don’t know what made me think that I will be happy when I drink it, I’m not sad at all but I felt that I will enjoy sipping that cup!
Today wasn’t such a successful day for me, I 've studied for 3 hours maybe less, I’m that type who study and read fast, if I deicide to finish a whole chapter in one hour I do it and that helps me in critical days, I don’t like to stick up with silly equations & stuff but it goes smooth with me till now, actually if I spent 6 discrete or continuous hours per day studying then this is a great achievement.
How boring it’s now, yea it’s the dawn of Eid but I cant feel it coz I’m concentrating on other stuff taking all my mind, where I cant find an empty track for anything else to do except thinking about that subject in my hand now!
Well I don't get stressed before exams, or give it any care, but I just find my mind oriented to think about the Equations, and materials I’m reading concentrating on that even in front of the TV!, that's normale i guess!

I was browsing aimless & listening to that sound track from the Movie “ Phantom of the opera ” I like it, I even tried to upload it to play it on my blog but it failed!
So, I thought about writing as long as I’m not disposed to study for now.
Well, then I will stay up till the morning and just sleep normally at night, I think that cup of coffee will help me to do that, and hopefully that will adjust my sleep’s pattern again …

To “O”

Today I saw a phone number on my cellular, I wasn't expecting that call or simply I was supposed to call her since a week, but I don’t know what delayed it, and i wanted to be the one who calls first!
She told me that she got her baby on 11th this month.
she is celebrating on Friday, and she is waiting me with her baby “S”.

Our last call was quite long time ago, we had this chitchat about the date expected to receive her babe, it was 14th, she told me it could probably be delayed, and we had fun that she has to get it exactly the same day of my Birthday!

I will be auntie auntie Tota now…
I recalled our first day in the faculty when we started to know each others. Since that day we didn’t apart, she is the dearest friend to me & although that, I’m not keeping in touch with her, most of times she is the one who calls & thank god she is not mad at me from doing this, she is just such a great friend & I do really miss her …

December’s Sorrows

Something is slipping inside me these days … a feeling of depression, fear or disappointment ... emptiness.

I don’t feel want to do anything. to write, read or even Study !
i cant share with others around me.
Time passes and yet I cant feel its value
Not coz I finally left my job since December 7th?
That what I already wanted to do from the beginning, not much of spare time, on contrarily I feel there is no enough time to do anything. Although I already do nothing... I wonder where all this time goes?
I know it when I slide into such mood, I don’t like to stick with it long
Sometimes I say to myself .. keep on filling those pages .. a New year is coming.

It seems for me as a life between two worlds hovering between both, on a deeper level; it consumes me up, sometimes I pretend to be happy, it works when u put urself in such mood & sooner it flips to the previous mood just in a glimpse of a second.
I’m trying to go through it not over it, but it doesn’t work with me!

Signed for Dead

Did you watch that movie “Message in a Bottle”? I just like it, that kind of pure feelings from Kevin towards his dead wife, although it was ironic that he is saying it all after her death … she can’t listen, some people may say that dead people can watch & hear us … but do they have those same feelings we know in life, does it really mater then?
even if she was dead … even if he just remembered to apologize, to tell her how pretty & nice she was! .. he was very sensitive and honest in his feelings & words.
of course the original story written by: Nicholas Sparks is much better than the movie; its script & specially the letters written by Kevin Costner was amazing which altered me to look for the novel but unfortunately I couldn’t find it, I only found two letters posted on the net .

Dear Catherine,
I'm sorry I haven't talked to you in so long. I feel I've been lost. No bearings, no compass. I kept crashing into things, a little crazy I guess. I've never been lost before. You were my true north. I could always steer for home when you were home. Forgive me for being so angry when you left. I still think some mistake's been made and I'm waiting for god to take it back.
But I'm doing better now. The work helps me. Most of all, you help me. You came into my dream last night with that smile of yours that always held me like a lover, rocked me like a child. All I remember from the dream is a feeling of peace. I woke up with that feeling and tried to keep it alive as along as I could.
I'm writing to tell you that I'm on a journey toward that peace. And to tell you I'm sorry about so many things.
I'm sorry I didn't take better care of you so that you never spent one minute being cold or scared or sick. I'm sorry I didn't try harder to find the words to tell you what I was feeling. I'm sorry I never fixed the screen door. I fixed it now. I'm sorry I ever fought with you. I'm sorry I didn't apologize more. I was too proud. I'm sorry I didn't bring you more compliments on everything you wore and every way you fixed your hair.
I'm sorry I didn't hold on to you with so much strength that even god
couldn't pull you away.

All my love,
g


My Dearest Catherine,
I miss you darling, as I always do, but today is especially hard because the ocean has been singing to me, and the song is that of our life together. I can almost feel you beside me as I write this letter, and I can smell the scent of wildflowers that always reminds me of you. But at this moment, these things give me no pleasure. Your visits have been coming less often, and I feel sometimes as if the greatest part of me is slipping away.
I am trying, though. At night when I am alone, I call for you, and whenever my ache seems to be the greatest, you still seem to find a way to return to me. Last night, in my dreams, I saw you on the pier near Wrightsville Beach. The wind was blowing through your hair, and your eyes held the fading sunlight. I am struck as I see you leaning against the rail. You are beautiful, I think as I see you, a vision that I can never find in anyone else. I slowly begin to walk towards you, and when you finally turn to me, I notice that others have been watching you as well. “Do you know her?” they ask me in jealous whispers, and as you smile at me, I simply answer with the truth, “Better than my own heart.”
I stop when I reach you and take you in my arms. I long for this moment more than any other. It is what I live for, and when you return my embrace, I give myself over to this moment, at peace once again.
I raise my hand and gently touch your cheek and you tilt your head and close your eyes. My hands are hard and your skin is soft, and I wonder for a moment if you’ll pull back, but of course you don’t. You never have, and it is at times like this that I know what my purpose is in life.
I am here to love you, to hold you in my arms, to protect you. I am here to learn from you and to receive your love in return. I am here because there is no other place to be.
But then, as always, the mist starts to form as we stand close to one another. It is a distant fog that rises from the horizon, and I find that I grow fearful as it approaches. It slowly creeps in, enveloping the world around us, fencing us in as if to prevent escape. Like a rolling cloud, it blankets everything, closing, until there is nothing left but the two of us.
I feel my throat begin to close and my eyes well up with tears because I know it is time for you to go. The look you give me at that moment haunts me. I feel your sadness and my own loneliness, and the ache in my heart that had been silent for only a short time grows stronger as you release me. And then you spread your arms and step back into the fog because it is your place and not mine. I long to go with you, but your only response is to shake your head because we both know that it is impossible.
And I watch with breaking heart as you slowly fade away. I find myself straining to remember everything about this moment, everything about you. But soon, always too soon, your image vanishes and the fog rolls back to its faraway place and I am alone on the pier and I do not care what others think as I bow my head and cry and cry and cry.

Garret

And sometimes it Hurts!

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

.. = Tom Stoppard = ..