Darting apostrophes

Sometimes we try to stir up a feeling we wish we had, and at other times we try to block or waken a feeling we wish we did not have, psyche ourselves up, trick our mind into believing something that might not be true! Avoid staring hard enough so that we may not make out the words or the meanings. Hiding what we feel, faking what we don’t. Like believing in someone who turns out to be a liar, but we just refuse the idea that such a person is lying to us, or that someone has steered us wrong, we make up excuses & turn the meanings inside out; Instead of feeling we were the fools on the side.
Sometimes I believe that life follows our lead, it acts the way it's invited to act, like a child, and at other times I believe that we are only along for the ride, we think we are really having a full control over the events in our lives but we are actually not.
The only thing we have to do is connect to our truth, learn our lessons and apply them in our lives. We get to a stage that we may lull ourselves we have grown up enough, but what we turn out to be doing is that we only deal with losses that come from doing what we know to be right and not necessarily to be what we want.

Growth and death are facts in this life; as long as we are going to die, we have to grow in this life, not only a mental growth, but a growth on all the aspects of being, and as we grow, we have to move on, we can't grow and remain the way we are. We have to change.
we usually wait for drama to change our lives, to get our attentions, we don’t try to take the initiative. To take the first step before letting this drama taking control over what we do. leaving crisis & chaos behind.

What makes us who we are? is it our dreams, or the worst things that have happened to us; traumas and calamities ?, what forces us to change, or in other words, from where the majorities of the most powerful changes in our lives come, is it a result of the happiest things or the worst things have ever happened to us?

I don’t know why, but sometimes I find it very stressful going into such maze and I have to put a lot of mental energy into controlling the whole view, that would be OK if I didn’t also have to use mental energy on a million other things.

Peculiar air of defiance (the little creature started to talk)

I'm back, cant say with the biggest details or the least of details, but I have to say more than Too much of events have happened lately; the latest of them is the robbery of our Villa in the north cost we discovered yesterday. I didn’t say all events were pleasant, 80 % are glum.
What just encouraged me to grab myself and start narrating about it, is the one week paid vacation I got from work, they are making a big make over to the place & during this I took a 7 days vacation. I have to say it's the very suitable timing to take this vacation, my manager told me no required work u have to perform, just take this as a rest, that's true I'm in a bad need to rest, many decisions I have to make & I need to order my thoughts to take the right route now. One of them is that I want to leave this job, yea I mentioned it to him, but he just asked me not to rush it. Actually I have been thinking about it long before, but then I just remembered, is it my timing every year to switch jobs?, this is the same exact timing I left my job last year I never regretted that decision at then (maybe cause I always throw past things behind my back and never think about them again or don’t give myself the chance to do). But this one is for totally different reasons.
Yesterday they called, telling me that they will raise my salary, give me exception to have flexible working hours, will take overtime on every hour I stay, the 1 hour will be 1.5, leave whenever I need & it's still up to me, I can try it for another week or month then decide.
Well, what a generous offer to me. But I'm still not satisfied; there is something else I lack, the spirit, the atmosphere, a soul matter in the first place to me, well am I stupid, to think this way? But I can't overlook it every time I come to say yes.
to feel rewarded & not consumed is really important, but I never make myself a salve to anything, even (specially) money, I'm a person who follows its spirit, whatever thing can raise it, is very much welcomed, any place or kind of routine that would put it down, give it many trials, change strategy, wait for a reflection, then if it failed; this routine should be avoided. One can't live miserable coz everyone around or the logic which is developed through others' experiences say so, is not it?
If someone is breathing, transmitting his/her very negative energy in the nearby place, sure later it will be contagion for the others, specially in small environments, I always avoid being stuck with negative attitudes, conversations, or reactions as much as I can, put distance and embark-on alternatives, and backup methods.
I feel I will not be able to function the way I used to before, beside how am I supposed to know that they will meet their promises, it happened many times that they violated it, for reasons beyond their ability but they couldn’t do it, I anticipate and have well understanding and comprehension to the conditions and that what they value for me.
The abode ( now they are changing it ) was not only gloomy but dreary, somber, very stagnant no signs of life, filthy in a way that would make me sick, that forlorn and overclouded place where I daily spent two-thirds of my life. It absorbs the vividness, it puts me in a woebegone & morose mood all day long, I used to refer to it as "The sepulchral tenebrousness of the catacombs". I felt that this atmosphere was very contagion that I now feel myself stagnant, boring to death. Even what I'm writing now ( I will not try to reread it to not cancel it ).


It's a growing company, with three owners too, I expect it to grow, their vision is unique. But I have that gut feeling that my time is up there, why? I just cant withstand any of the situations that used to get on my nerves, just get on my nerves, I absorb it and silence myself, coz I understand it's just a transitory thing & later all this will change.
Because it's still a growing company, our number didn’t exceed 9 members including the 3 owners & me, now they are going to hire another 10, I cant say how much chaos and problems there, and I seem to be their beloved listener, just it happens that anyone invade me to talk, say whatever he/she wants about anyone, i listen, but never comment. Filthy environment. Lies are the hallmark of the most of actions in there, why I remained? Because I expected all this to change, also that one of the owners is somehow a friend to me, before even starting to work in the place.
I dunno why everyone there was working on distorting this friend vision to me, what is their benefit from that? I can't get it. I never believe except in what I see.
My last conversation with him, he said if you remained on your decision to leave us, I would recommend you to work with "a well known company" he used to work in too, if u still didn’t look for another job, well does that seem nice to anyone of you?. My problem is that I'm patient & I value the circumstances. sometimes I feel I'm naive, if I were to talk from the beginning I think things won't be the way it's now. But now all my objections are taken & none says I'm wrong, they obey all what I say (when I mention their sins and policy). Is that because they are obliged to & they are having no other choices?
A 5 months' events I can't brief them in one post, I wish if I can write all about it. But I always forget the details.

Swarms of Memory

Well, as Ramadan was approaching ( now we are spending the holy days of ramadan, five days already gone) my friend M kept insisting that she wants a Fanooos (Ramadan Lantern), any kind of fanoos I have to give it to her, Picture, real one or whatever indication about it, not sure why it's always the Fanoos exactly, maybe coz Fanoos Ramadan is an ancient unique symbol associated with Ramadan, It has passed from generation to generation.
it gives a wonderful atmosphere to the place, u feel a kind of pleasure when u see it, and immediately you think about Ramadan Days, when u were a kid (whether u were doing that or not) before Ramadan Arrival you become excited about having a Fanoos. Playing with your own fanoos that ur parents or any member of ur family brought to u.
Ramadan that month in which The Holy Spirit "Gibril" started to deliver Allah messages to the Prophet Mohamed (pbuh). at Ramadan's night we all sit and wait for " Al Roaya".
The Stories behind (Ramadan Lanterns) back to Al-Fatimi dynasty, many stories mentioned in that place. one of them back to Alhkim Bi-Amr allah … when he wanted to light streets during Ramadan that he ordered all mosques to hang Lanterns ( Fawanees ) illuminated by candles and since then it became a custom associated with Ramadan.
Another story during Al-Fatimi dynasty too, it's said that women were not allowed to leave their houses except in Ramadan. And due to that they were preceded by a young boy carrying a lantern as an indication that a woman is passing by the street to caution men. Later boys used to carry this Fanoos to play with during Ramadan.
Ramdan in Egypt is totally different than any other where, we Egyptians adopted certain mysterious traditions that gave to Ramadan a real special taste & mode, even if some are objectionable & has no intrinsic link to religion, I really like its spirit and the way it's associated with it, Not only, Ramadan Lantern, but also, AL-Misaharaty " The one who wakes people to eat before the dawn prayer (Al-Sohour) ", the canon which used to be fired and heard throughout Cairo from a citadel over the "Al-Mokattam" to announce end of the daily fast, but now it's no more used, the streets full of coloured lights and decoratios, The Konafa & Katayif man, Abd al Motilib Song "Ramadan Gana", Families and friends gathering …. And much more of these traditions which started to go extinct, every year less rituals and less feelings of Ramadan arrivals. Why?

I still remember when I was a kid, the family gatherings at my grand ma house, waiting for Al Maghrib prayer (Sunset Prayer) which always related with the voice of Al-Shiekh " Mohamed Rif'aat " ( till now when I just hear his voice I smell and recall memories of the old classical days)
Things change, I cant see children playing out in the streets, swinging their fawanees & sinning wahawy ya wahawy, instead I can see obvious beggar children everywhere. even Fanoos Ramadan ,,, is that snazzy, lack the spirit, Chinese plastic fanoos that plays music.
We Egyptian tried to cling with our heritage as much as we can. But with days, ages, generations, everything has to fade out, to give the space to other things to emerge!
Happy Ramadan to all …

Conjecture … The X thing

I don’t know, I'm sure that my impression about that X thing no matter what it is ( a situation, feeling, person, idea …. ) is correct, but why people don’t see what I see?, or they do see but they don’t say!. I notice that X thing since the first day, it steamed my temper in many ways but I tried to not be prejudgment. Later the vision became ways clear. but I'm still silent; maybe waiting for someone, only one to approve my vision, People tend to find meaning where they can, and they believe it. Maybe it's wrong maybe it's right, that's not the point, the point is that people believe it. why you people don’t see what I see?, or it's me who can look more deeply beyond people's minds, so I can feel & touch what they can't reach at. Do I analyze too much into this? Do I?

Pageantry …. This is to you 'A'

There is no such type of people that would annoy me like those pretentious, bombastic, conceited, lofty, cocky persons. They feign things they don’t have. or maybe they do have but exalt it more than it really deserves. or they keep talking about it in so many different ways till you are fed up and satiate their stories about their gaudy eminence. even if that prominence is real, but that kind of windbag makes it lose its luster and grandeur. I believe that type of peoples if they weren't realizing where they are going to put their feet their grandiloquent ways and rhetorical words will be ephemeral soon, and nothing would last except that scornful put-on.
That much brag blinds their eyes to see facts, to notice people around them, coz they don’t watch or care about anyone except themselves, and how much of imposing words they get. how much a vaunting air of superiority against others they have. They could be grandiose at certain point. but their cavalier attitude may destroy them and lead them into circles & circles of that apish, haughty behavior, be cognizant of that!

Vision in Black and White

Sometimes when I keep on looking, farther and farther still … I wonder; how big would big get? How big will big be … imagining the vastness of empty space …
Intrigued by things that seems so near … yet always out of reach. stuck in my tiny corner of universe, while being aware of all the spaciousness beyond, that can be explored!

Mixed and contradicted feelings …
Why we usually say we will get used for that … why we want to get used for something, adapt to a new condition, situation no matter if that new thing is something pleasant or not, following that similar ordinary old steps to solve that new unordinary thing, want our life back to the way it was before we found out that new change. But nothing ever stays the same. our ability to make patterns is at the heart of our civilization and when certain patterns in our life become ingrained we consequently become resistant to change,
It’s the fear of change that makes us build a barrier between ourselves and that new thing. It’s our choice about hiding, or about going right to what fears us.

Sometimes I feel that I want to sense that change everyday the same way I felt it the first time, I don’t want to get used for it or adapt it … every time i feel it, I want it to surprise me, hit me so deep … that I still can feel the richness of feelings and emotions, but it’s me who usually unconsciously adapt so fast to new situations, specially the unpleasant ones, and the first feeling always fades away.

It comes from our constantly and endlessly seeking to establish new networks to process and store knowledge. to make sense of what we experience, continually searching for new data for new experience and give it the time to make sense of them

it’s true that we learn by making connections to enable meaning and learning to flow.
And our brain is so good at making connections that it will often try to full in the gaps even when it’s missing information, establishing the similar connections with each other over time.

Life is about asking questions, not waiting answers, even if we could not find the answer to our questions, that shouldn’t stop us from keeping to ask questions …

A & S

Today ...

Egypt

Egypt is bigger than this
It’s not a regime …
It cant be symbolized or abbreviated in a person, or era…
For some … it is just …
A mere spot
They are standing on …
Trying to draw their gains from
others tremble …
Trying to amend or overthrow it.

Days will go by
Species will be extinct
And Egypt will remain …
Justice can’t sleep forever
If humans couldn’t save it
Allah will …
Egypt is always precious
And we are the splendid Egyptians